Thursday, February 4, 2010

Have a read?

As I walked out onto the porch, I saw him for the second time. He was sitting on the brick wall outside his house now, where the bins were kept and the mailbox was. He had a cigarette in his hand and was looking onto the street, his brow furrowed, as though he was looking for something, or thinking about something important. For some reason, he looked at that moment, like everything I wanted. Something that was interesting; mysterious. Something I hadn’t been able to put my finger on until that moment. I so desperately wanted to talk to him, to know him. I stood there on my porch for a minute or two, watching him and trying to think of an excuse to approach him. Eventually I walked over, trying to look confident and jumped up to sit beside him on the wall.
“Can I have a drag?” I asked.
I knew how pathetic I probably sounded, but knew immediately that it was worth it, when he looked at me and a pack of butterflies went crazy inside me. He just studied me for a few, long moments, and then said:
“You smoke?”
The truth was I didn’t. I had before, but found it awful.
“A bit.” I answered.
“You shouldn’t. It’ll kill you.” He said, but handed me the cigarette.
I put the cigarette to my lips, trying to recall what Leah had told me the one time I’d tried this before. Taking it away from my lips, I passed it back to him and exhaled.
“I’m Elodie.” I offered, looking at him.
“Mitchell.” He replied, not turning to look back at me.


This is a story I've recently started writing, and I was wondering if anyone could give me some feedback on this paragraph? If you could tell what you think, and also whether you think the two should get together or just become really good friends, that'd be awesome. Thanks :)
Cat xx

4 comments:

Zmaga said...

I want more! If you can't decide about the ending, write two versions :)

catherine. said...

ITS FABBY.
I think Mitchell is gay. :)

xx.

That-girl said...

That's really good! I wish I was as talented as you.
I think they should get together but he has some secret girlfriend and/or child.

xx

Elfie said...

This is awesome. I think that they should become really good friends...
But then maybe they drift apart and bump into each other years later and get together...
Then both happen :D
And it isn't a lust kind of love or anything.